SCP-0168-RO - SCP Foundation

SCP-0168-RO

"It's like a disposable secretary, and it struck me as being funny. The song is written from the point of view of a fellow who just wants a disposable secretary, and he's writing to a bureau to try and get one. I just like the idea. I just thought it was funny, you know, asking for a temporary secretary rather than a secretary."

— Sir Paul McCartney
(quote from Wikipedia)

McCartney II. Note: image cache affected by unrelated CK-Class Event.

SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES: N/A

DESCRIPTION (ARCHIVED): SCP-2011 is Sir Paul McCartney's " Temporary Secretary", an electro-pop song released on the 1980 album McCartney II. SCP-2011's lyrics depict the singer's requests to 'Mister Marks' to send them a 'Temporary Secretary' for reasons unstated, detailing the various requirements which she would not have to fulfill.

A remastered version of SCP-2011 was released on 2011/01/01 and subsequently endangered the life of O5-4. It has since been declared a Class-4 audiohazard, and made provisionally inaccessible to the public. Research as to its anomalous nature is ongoing.

ADDENDUM 2011-EX-2: Test Log

OFFICER OF RECORD: Q. Langley, Head of Memetics and Infohazards
<BEGIN LOG> <D-11064 is seated in the testing chamber with an audio player containing SCP-2011 and headphones. Opposite him sits O5-4, separated by double-reinforced soundproof glass. They communicate via text terminal.> O5-4: Put on the headphones. <D-11064 places the headphones on his ears, looking to O5-4 warily.> O5-4: No need to be scared. Play the song. D-11064: sure thing <D-11064 presses play. He displays a confused expression.> O5-4: Describe your reactions, please. D-11064: its weird i guess? O5-4: Elaborate. D-11064: i mean, that synth sound is kind of starnge strange O5-4:* Right, but how do you feel? D-11064: anxious, sorta actually its not so bad the more i hear it <O5-4 turns to Researcher Langley, who confirms that D-11064's vital signs appear unaffected.> D-11064: hahaha what is this guy even talking about?? lmao this is ridiculous O5-4: You don't feel any adverse effects? D-11064: no? its a super weird song though O5-4: Can you hear it adequately? D-11064: i can hear it alright, yeah what is this guy on about?? he wants a secretary to fuck while his normal secretary is gone? does he fuck his normal secretary too? what the hell is a juromancer <D-11064 laughs, pressing one hand to his headphones. After a few more moments, he takes them off.> D-11064: holy fuck that was it? LMAO O5-4: The song doesn't make you feel anything? D-11064: honestly? i kind of want to listen to it again, that shits stuck in my head now <O5-4 sighs and concludes the test.> <END LOG>
NOTE: After thorough inspection by Dr. Langley, it appears SCP-2011 contains no hazardous properties. D-11064 is allowed a copy of the song during recreational hours.

OFFICER OF RECORD: Q. Langley, Head of Memetics and Infohazards

<D-11064 is seated in the testing chamber with an audio player containing SCP-2011 and headphones. Opposite him sits O5-4, separated by double-reinforced soundproof glass. They communicate via text terminal.>

O5-4: Put on the headphones.

<D-11064 places the headphones on his ears, looking to O5-4 warily.>

O5-4: No need to be scared. Play the song.

D-11064: sure thing

<D-11064 presses play. He displays a confused expression.>

O5-4: Describe your reactions, please.

D-11064: its weird i guess?

O5-4: Elaborate.

D-11064: i mean, that synth sound is kind of starnge
*strange

O5-4: Right, but how do you feel?

D-11064: anxious, sorta
actually its not so bad the more i hear it

<O5-4 turns to Researcher Langley, who confirms that D-11064's vital signs appear unaffected.>

D-11064: hahaha what is this guy even talking about??
lmao this is ridiculous

O5-4: You don't feel any adverse effects?

D-11064: no? its a super weird song though

O5-4: Can you hear it adequately?

D-11064: i can hear it alright, yeah
what is this guy on about?? he wants a secretary to fuck while his normal secretary is gone?
does he fuck his normal secretary too? what the hell is a juromancer

<D-11064 laughs, pressing one hand to his headphones. After a few more moments, he takes them off.>

D-11064: holy fuck that was it? LMAO

O5-4: The song doesn't make you feel anything?

D-11064: honestly? i kind of want to listen to it again, that shits stuck in my head now

<O5-4 sighs and concludes the test.>

NOTE: After thorough inspection by Dr. Langley, it appears SCP-2011 contains no hazardous properties. D-11064 is allowed a copy of the song during recreational hours.

ADDENDUM 2011-EX-3: Interview Log

INTERVIEWER: O5-4 INTERVIEWED: Sir P. McCartney (hereafter PoI-2011) FOREWORD: PoI-2011 was detained and brought to Site-01 for questioning per O5 order.
<BEGIN LOG> <PoI-2011 and O5-4 are seated opposite each other in the latter's office.> PoI-2011: You jus' gonna keep staring at me, or…? O5-4: Sir McCartney, I have no doubt you've got many questions. It's not often we drag in civilians, especially not here. PoI-2011: I haven't broken any laws, I'll tell you that much, so if you're with the government or something, you can piss off. I've got a concert to be at right now, and — O5-4: What the fuck is a temporary secretary? PoI-2011: Sorry, what? O5-4: You heard me. You want to get back to your tour? Answer the question. <Brief pause.> PoI-2011: Have you got your head on backwards? You've arrested me so you can ask me about a song? Where the hell d'you get off? <O5-4 slams his fist on his desk.> O5-4: You call that mess a song? Not only do the lyrics make no sense whatsoever, but you've got this god-awful synth tone playing a fucking twelve-tone-row in my ears! You've gotta be shitting me with this, Paul. <Another pause. O5-4 takes a deep breath.> O5-4: So, again, I'll ask you. What the hell is going on with that song? <PoI-2011 sighs, leaning back in his chair.> PoI-2011: Look, I just — I was in a dark place, right? And we needed another song for the record, we were runnin' out of studio time, an' I thought back to how John and George would usually take over when that happened. I had some pretty alright ideas but they'd always shoot 'em down, and it always rubbed me wrong. PoI-2011: So, I just said 'fuck it', right? What if I just went with whatever came to mind and wrote a song without second-guessin' myself? What if I ignored John's voice in my head? What could possibly go wrong? <There is a long pause. O5-4 reaches into his desk drawer, producing two glasses and a bottle of whisky. He pours them each a glass.> O5-4: I'm sorry. I understand how that feels. I get shouted down at Council meetings more often than I'd like to admit. PoI-2011: …Right. Well, yeah. I'm not especially proud of the song or anything, I just wanted to try something. And some people quite like it, I guess. <O5-4 nods, taking a sip from his glass.> PoI-2011: Why's it got you so bogged down, anyway? I mean, what'd it ever do to you? <A brief pause.> O5-4: "Temporary Secretary" made me crash my car, Paul. <END LOG>
AFTERWORD: PoI-2011 was subsequently amnesticized and returned to his hotel under the cover story of a night of heavy drinking. O5-4 is no longer allowed to pursue independent research without Council approval, and the cost of a new company vehicle has been deducted from his salary.

INTERVIEWER: O5-4
INTERVIEWED: Sir P. McCartney (hereafter PoI-2011)

FOREWORD: PoI-2011 was detained and brought to Site-01 for questioning per O5 order.

<PoI-2011 and O5-4 are seated opposite each other in the latter's office.>

PoI-2011: You jus' gonna keep staring at me, or…?

O5-4: Sir McCartney, I have no doubt you've got many questions. It's not often we drag in civilians, especially not here.

PoI-2011: I haven't broken any laws, I'll tell you that much, so if you're with the government or something, you can piss off. I've got a concert to be at right now, and —

O5-4: What the fuck is a temporary secretary?

PoI-2011: Sorry, what?

O5-4: You heard me. You want to get back to your tour? Answer the question.

<Brief pause.>

PoI-2011: Have you got your head on backwards? You've arrested me so you can ask me about a song? Where the hell d'you get off?

<O5-4 slams his fist on his desk.>

O5-4: You call that mess a song? Not only do the lyrics make no sense whatsoever, but you've got this god-awful synth tone playing a fucking twelve-tone-row in my ears! You've gotta be shitting me with this, Paul.

<Another pause. O5-4 takes a deep breath.>

O5-4: So, again, I'll ask you. What the hell is going on with that song?

<PoI-2011 sighs, leaning back in his chair.>

PoI-2011: Look, I just — I was in a dark place, right? And we needed another song for the record, we were runnin' out of studio time, an' I thought back to how John and George would usually take over when that happened. I had some pretty alright ideas but they'd always shoot 'em down, and it always rubbed me wrong.

PoI-2011: So, I just said 'fuck it', right? What if I just went with whatever came to mind and wrote a song without second-guessin' myself? What if I ignored John's voice in my head? What could possibly go wrong?

<There is a long pause. O5-4 reaches into his desk drawer, producing two glasses and a bottle of whisky. He pours them each a glass.>

O5-4: I'm sorry. I understand how that feels. I get shouted down at Council meetings more often than I'd like to admit.

PoI-2011: …Right. Well, yeah. I'm not especially proud of the song or anything, I just wanted to try something. And some people quite like it, I guess.

<O5-4 nods, taking a sip from his glass.>

PoI-2011: Why's it got you so bogged down, anyway? I mean, what'd it ever do to you?

<A brief pause.>

O5-4: "Temporary Secretary" made me crash my car, Paul.

AFTERWORD: PoI-2011 was subsequently amnesticized and returned to his hotel under the cover story of a night of heavy drinking. O5-4 is no longer allowed to pursue independent research without Council approval, and the cost of a new company vehicle has been deducted from his salary.